People like to ask questions. I can’t say, exactly, why this is, but it is a commonly known fact. And one of these questions that people like to ask is: “Now that you’re a parent, are you going to dress up for Halloween?” Naturally, this is one of those exceptions to their respective rules (the rule in question being: There are no stupid questions). Of course I won’t dress up for Halloween. I have no intention of ever dressing up for Halloween. Other seemingly sane adults are perfectly willing to adorn themselves like idiots if they so choose, but this Recent Paterfamilias is not about to alter an established personal practice simply because sperm met egg, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Naturally, of course, the daughter of this Recent Paterfamilias will be (or rather, was, this past Monday) costumed. She was a chili pepper (not like Anthony Kiedis or Flea, but a more literal, and decidedly less ridiculous, chili pepper). Originally, I had other ideas for her wardrobe, but I couldn’t find a teapot outfit anywhere (gets hot and bothered, makes lots of noise, just like a baby) and the polar bear onesie fleece body suit that was purchased online left this Recent Paterfamilias decidedly nonplussed. The chili pepper, in all honesty, was apropos of nothing in relation to my offspring, behaviorally-wise, but at the store, the lobster looked lame, the bumble bee has been more than pop culturally bruised, and the sunflower was simply just stupid. So, chili pepper it was.
Maybe, in the future, this Recent Paterfamilias might be persuaded to put on a mask of some sort. The simple black eyewear of a stereotypical bank robber in the time of the Lone Ranger. An oversized grinning Bill Clinton or Dick Nixon or Willard Fillmore. That creepy white big-nosed classic Venetian masquerade thing that scares the hell out of most reasonable people.
But who knows? Perhaps, in the future, this Recent Paterfamilias might eventually come ‘round and go in whole hog: an ironic culturally-relevant cliché (like Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Batman movie); or a sideshow freak (Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Batman movie); or an American original (Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Batman movie); or possibly just a regular good old costume suitable for a regular good old Recent Paterfamilias (a uniform-clad and physically-battered version of that perpetual loser, Dallas Cowboys’ quarterback Tony Romo—a costume under which, of course, the R.P. would be wearing the purple suit of H.L.’s Joker from the Batman movie).
Or maybe the Recent Paterfamilias could just dress up like himself with a sign on his back reading “Best Father Ever” (although, admittedly, any so-called Best Father Ever would probably put forth an even modest bit of effort and costume himself as something as simple as Superman or maybe even as banal Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Batman movie).
Halloween is meant for children. And this Recent Paterfamilias is optimistic he’ll still feel this same way next year.