There is a rivalry brewing in America. And it’s ugly.
There is a rivalry brewing in America. And it’s serious.
There is a rivalry brewing in America. And it ain’t no joke.
Forget the Yankees and the BoSox. Forget the Duke Blue Devils and the UNC Tar Heels. Forget the Bloods and the Crips. Forget the Sharks and the Jets. This is for real.
There is a rivalry brewing in America. And it’s between the Central Park Cyclists and the Central Park Joggers.
No. Seriously. There’s an actual rivalry brewing.
And it has gotten serious. Recently, on the Central Park East Drive, an alleged disgruntled Central Park Jogger scattered thumbtacks across the roadway. Tires were flattened, cyclists suffered accidents, New Yorkers across the board were lucky nobody else in the park got clobbered by careening bikers, or that any New York children walked across the roadway and stepped on the tacks, or that some New Yorker walking his or her dog or dogs across the roadway didn’t have their canines get injured, all of which would have naturally necessitated a trip to their respective health care providers—general practitioner, pediatric, veterinary, or otherwise.
And this was all because some douche bag Central Park Jogger was upset because some Central Park Cyclists act like entitled douche bags while biking in Central Park.
And, admittedly, having witnessed their behavior on several thousand occasions, Central Park Cyclists do act like entitled douche bags while biking in Central Park. They will run you down. In Park Drive intersections, whether they have the right of way or not, they will plow over, and then issue an accompanying self-righteous comment over a speeding (and retreating) shoulder.
And frankly, what is more bold than directing comments over your shoulder as you speed by and run away?
And the Central Park Joggers aren’t any better, entitlement-wise—it’s just that all of their corresponding and equal behavior, like that mentioned above, happens as a somewhat slower rate.
Cyclists and Joggers. Joggers and Cyclists. Sharks and Jets. Jets and Sharks. It’s like a Modern-Age West Side Story. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap. Snap, snap, snap.
And frankly, this Recent Paterfamilias is curious to see how this rivalry will ultimately play out. Presumably, the guys in their tight little shorts are going to leave their pretty little helmets and their expensive little bikes by the side of the road, and the other guys in their tight little shorts are going to leave their pretty little running shoes and their expensive little iPod Nanos by the other side of the road, and then the two of them are going to come face to face and call all of their loved ones and then fight to the death. Presumably, this is what will happen.
But the real mystery here is: Who is more self-entitled? Who has more of a self-entitled right to this public roadway? And who is generally more obnoxious and ridiculous and irritating about this whole issue?
And frankly, who can say?
Frankly, this Recent Paterfamilias has kind of got to say that everybody’s obnoxious.
And frankly, this Recent Paterfamilias has kind of got to say that everybody’s ridiculous.
And frankly, this Recent Paterfamilias has kind of got to say that everybody’s an irritating douche bag.
But what do I know? I’m not a cyclist, and I’m not a jogger. All that I’ve got is an opinion and an online forum on which to voice it and, look at that!, this R.P. doesn’t have to cowardly pitch thumbtacks across public roadways at 5:30 in the morning to get his point across. He can write about it. With actual words.
If only everyone could be so honest and revolutionary.