April 11, 2012

Burger Place Boycott Under a Funny Moon

            This past Saturday, there must have been a full moon or a new moon or a blue moon or something, but, all day, people were downright antagonistic to the Recent Paterfamilias. 

A groundskeeper in Central Park, armed with a rake, a bad attitude, and a NYC Parks-sanctioned golf cart, came barreling down a paved path at the R.P. & Co., only to screech to a stop at the very last moment. 

            The Recent Paterfamilias, being of the sort to say something at this sort of thing, felt the need to say something. 

            “Were you planning on running us over?”

            “Actually,” he replied, “I was going to thank you for getting out of the way.”

            Dumbfounded by this response, and marginally furious, the R.P. & Co. quit the scene. 

            Later that afternoon, the R.P. & Co had a rude run-in with a wide-footed hostess at our local 5 Napkin Burger, one of my (now previously) favorite restaurants.  As she opened the door for the R.P., wife, stroller, and baby, she, the hostess, still refused to clear the doorway, all while impatiently gesturing us through.  I saw at once that I wasn’t going to clear the opening with the stroller.  My wife of the R.P. did as well, and offered to hold the door from the outside so that the wide-footed hostess could move out of the way.  But Big Foot was insistent.  She was also verbally short with us, encouraging us on, so, reluctantly, on I pressed, only then to hear:

            “Soooo, you just ran over my foot, but whatever…”

            After the wife, the baby, the stroller, and I were forgotten and neglected at our four-top table for a disturbingly long time, we decided that we’d rather leave and take the party somewhere else before anyone got any more irritated. 

            On the way out, there She was again, again offering her services at the door, but not before saying:

            “Soooo, try not to run over my foot this time, ok?”

            As kindly as possible, I related to Big Foot that, should she want her feet not run over, after opening the door for people, she should probably get the hell out of the doorway. 

            Now, historically, when the Recent Paterfamilias has a grudge, the R.P. has been known to keep it, and I don’t know if the 5 Napkin Big Foot knows what “backlash anger” means (where the R.P., having had quite enough, decides, “You know what?  Now I’m angry with you.), but 5 Napkin Burger is now on boycott list. 

            So, let it be known, should any of my loyal readers be in dire need of a satisfying de facto boycott—the 5 Napkin Burger chain restaurants are ripe, fat-footed, and available. 

            And then, later that Saturday night, when out walking his dog (let’s call him Tedward E. Edwards), the Recent Paterfamilias, along with the rest of his neighborhood was harassed by an intoxicated fellow screaming his intolerances, and the R.P. was forced to defend himself and his dog and drive his point home by giving this lovely young man an upward openhanded stiff-arm to the jaw line which consequently sent said pleasant young man running away down the sidewalk, all the while talking tough guy talk over his tough guy shoulder as he retreated forever into the cowardly shadows, nary to show his eloquent face again. 

            Soooo, as has been stated, there must have been some kind of a funny full moon out last Saturday, and, I got to admit, all things considered, I guess I’m lucky I didn’t have a run-in with an anti-social werewolf.  


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